Fear Of Flying
by Emma Barrows
Summary: After a long Quidditch practice, it leaves Harry with something he'd rather not have...


Fear of Flying.

"Harry! Quidditch practice is going to be taking place around 5:00!" gushed Ron Weasley as he hurried through the portrait hole to Gryffindor's common room. He paused by the entrance.

"I know! I've got like…" Harry paused and checked his watch. "THREE MINUTES?"

"Oy! Let's go!" Ron cried. 

"Hermione, we'll see you later," Harry said, as he sprang up from his seat and ran to his dorm to grab his Firebolt.

"Okay!" Hermione called after him.

Once Harry emerged with his Firebolt, they began rushing to the Quidditch pitch.

Ron and Harry began running down the corridor, their robes billowing out behind them. They hurried down the stairs and once they hit the floor with the Great Hall, they burst out of the front doors and onto the grounds.

They continued to run all the way to the Quidditch pitch. Ron hurried over to the stands and sat in them.

The afternoon sunlight was now casting an orange glow over the grounds. It disappeared behind a cloud before re-emerging.

They hit the pitch. The team was already dressed in their maroon and gold robes. Alicia was on her broom, hovering several feet above the ground.

""You are late!" Alicia called irritably.

"I know! I'm sorry!" Harry called.

"Go get changed!"

Harry hurried into the locker rooms, changed, and hurried back out. He swung his leg over his brooms and kicked off.

"Gather round!" Alicia called.

The entire Gryffindor team flew over to where Alicia was hovering and circled around.

"Okay…we have a game in two days. If we beat Slytherin, we've got the cup. Now, Oliver's been working on new moves," Alicia announced.

"Hold on…what do you mean, 'If'' we beat Slytherin?" asked Fred as he hovered next to George.

"Of course we're going to beat them!" George said, enthusiastically.

"Where's Oliver anyway?" asked Katie Bell.

"Here he comes!" Harry said.

A maroon and gold robed figure hoped onto his broom on the ground and was soon flying over to where the group was.

"Sorry I'm late. McGonagall wanted to ask me something," Oliver said.

His Scottish accent made each word sound rich.

"It's okay!" Fred said.

They continued their discussion of the new moves Oliver had come up with.

Harry and the rest of the team practiced the new moves.

It was well into the evening when practice was over. Harry and the team landed and swung their legs off of their brooms.

Harry had never felt sore in all of his life.

He winced as he walked bowlegged over to Ron.

"What's wrong, Harry?" Ron asked worriedly, taking the Firebolt from Harry.

"My ass is so sore! Why couldn't they make these brooms with cushions?" Harry muttered, rubbing his backside. "Plus, it just gave me a major wedgie."

Ron snorted with laughter.

"You're on your own with that mate!"

"Help me?" Harry asked, turning around and facing his backside to Ron.

Ron was too busy laughing.

"I don't think so," Ron laughed.

"Fine…I'll do it myself," Harry mumbled.

He 're-adjusted' his pants and finally was able to 'remove' the wedgie.

"Not only did it give me a wedgie, I think I've got blisters on my rearend," Harry said as they walked to the castle…Harry still bowlegged.

"Uh oh…Madam Pomfrey is the only one who can cure that," Ron said, half trying to sound serious, but he totally found this whole situation hilarious.

"Wait…what do we tell Hermione? I don't want to go embarrassing myself in front of her," Harry asked, worried as they paused outside the Gryffindor common room entrance.

"Nothing," Ron said.

"Good idea,"

They entered the common room. Hermione had been reading a book and she looked up.

"Harry's got blisters on his but," Ron burst out.

Harry glared at Ron.

"Thanks Ron," he hissed.

Hermione looked like she was about to laugh, but then thought the better of it.

"Oh dear…come on. Let's get you to Madam Pomfrey's," she said.

They led Harry to the hospital wing.

"Okay…drop the pants," Madam Pomfrey said, exhaling loudly after they told her what happened.

"Excuse me?" Harry asked in a prissy little girl's voice as if he was asked to bend over and spread the cheeks.

"Drop the pants. I've got to put a special cream on it," Madam Pomfrey said, calmly.

Harry looked from Ron to Hermione.

It wouldn't be so bad in front of Ron…but _not _Hermione.

"C-Could Hermione leave?" Harry asked, clearing his throat.

"Mr. Potter, if you don't put the cream on them soon, they'll get infected and grow bigger," Madam Pomfrey said firmly. "Let's not waste time."

Mumbling, Harry began unbuckling his black belt. He unzipped them and then dropped the pants.

"Drawers next," Madam Pomfrey said.

Still mumbling under his breath, Harry dropped the drawers.

Ron and Hermione were silent. Hermione was blushing and then, the next thing they knew, her eyes rolled up into her head as she fainted.

"Hermione just fainted," Ron said, biting his bottom lip to keep from bursting into hysterical laughter in front of Harry.

"Oh no…well, just leave her there," Madam Pomfrey said.

(Author's note: I took that from CoS when Neville fainted from re-potting the Mandrakes)

"OK…bend over slightly," Madam Pomfrey said.

Once the cream was on, Harry quickly went to pull up the drawers, but just then, Fred, George and Ginny entered the hospital wing. It was too late. They'd seen everything.

Ginny was laughing and coughing at the same time. Fred and George looked shocked.

Harry quickly pulled up the pants again and re-buckled his belt. Hermione was still on the floor. 

"Um…am I interrupting anything?" George asked, grinning.

"Harry's got sores from the broom," Ron said, as the tips of his ears went red.

"Ah…I see," Fred said, wisely. "You do know there is a spell for an invisible cushion…don't you?"

"Now someone tells me," Harry muttered.

Fred and George stepped over Hermione and stood in front of Harry. Ginny bent down to help Hermione up.

"What-What happened?" Hermione asked, dazedly as she raised a hand to her forehead.

"You fainted after you saw Harry's hiney," Ron said.

"More like 'passed out'," Fred said.

"Where's Crookshanks?" Hermione asked.

"I don't know where your puss puss went," George replied.

"Oh my God! She can't find her puss puss?" Ginny asked, alarmed.

"He's probably licking himself in my dorm," Hermione said, as a matter-of-factly.

"Hey…imagine…using your tongue for toilet paper?" Fred mused.

All of them stood silent, pondering…

"Okay…you're free to go, Mr. Potter. Just don't sit on any hard surfaces just yet," Madam Pomfrey said, as she ushered them out of the hospital wing.

"Gee…that'll come in handy in the classes…we sit on hard chairs," Harry said.

"Use the cushion charm. Here. We'll show you," George as he pulled out his wand.

"First…wait. How'd you know I was in the hospital wing?" Harry asked, folding his arms over his chest.

"We saw you walking bowlegged into the castle. Figured something was wrong," he replied grinning. "Now, here's the charm."

"_Rozoret_!"

Harry suddenly felt a large weight in his pants in the backside.

He looked around at himself.

__

Oh my God! My butt is bigger! Harry thought frantically.

Sure enough, his but looked like it was inflated.

He frantically turned this way and that trying to get a better glimpse.

"Whoops…I think that was meant to be on the broom," George said, sheepishly, tucking his wand back into his robes.

"Can you remove it?" Hermione asked.

"Well, it's good for 24 hours," Fred said, biting his bottom lip.

Ron lost it now.

He dropped to his knees and hugged himself, laughing hysterically. He then began rolling on the floor in the corridor.

Ginny was also having a hard time controlling her laughter as well.

Just then, Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle began walking up the corridor toward them.

"Aw crap…here comes the Women of Slytherin," Fred muttered.

"Malfina, Crabbette and Goylina," Ron roared with laughter.

Even Hermione snorted.

Malfoy approached Harry and shoved him backward into a wall. Harry bounced off of it and landed in Malfoy's arms. Malfoy quickly shoved him off again, only to have Harry bounce off the wall again. Malfoy took a step back to let Harry fall to the floor on his face.

"Thank you kindly, Malfina," Harry muttered, getting to his feet.

"Hey look, Crabbe and Goyle! A blow up clown punching bag!" Malfoy said mockingly. "No matter how many times you punch it, it comes back for more!"

"Is that kind of like what your mum says about you?" George asked.

Malfoy's eyes glinted maliciously.

"Careful, Weasel," 

"We're going to kick your ass at the match," Ginny said, narrowing her eyes at Malfoy.

"Sure," Malfoy said sardonically. 

They left.

Finally, the day of the match arrived. Harry's 'inflated' rear finally returned to normal, although he adjusted his seat every five minutes on the broom. The blister's still hadn't healed thoroughly.

"Lookit! Potty's got Hemorrhoid's!" Malfoy called from the other side of the pitch.

That caused gales of laughter from the Slytherin stands.

"Lookit! Malfoy's got magregger's!" Harry called.

With a wave of his wand, Malfoy soon had two protrusions on his chest that looked like he had a woman's chest.

The Gryffindor's roared with laughter now. Fred and George were lying flat on their brooms laughing hysterically. Alicia, Angelina, and Katie were laughing and leaning on themselves for support. Oliver was biting his bottom lip, trying to keep neutral, but it was a hard fight.

Malfoy looked down, realized what happened, and quickly tried to cover them.

"Enough! Resume game!" Madam Hooch called.

The game resumed.

After about a half an hour, Gryffindor leaded 50-30. Then, it got nasty.

Someone knocked Harry off his broom and he fell until he landed directly onto Fred's broom behind him with his legs over each side of the broom.

A chorus of "oohs" and cringes followed.

Harry let out a whoosh of air and remained leaning forward slightly.

"That hurt," Fred said, grinning.

"You have no idea," Harry said in high-pitched voice.

Katie had caught Harry's Firebolt and flew over to where Fred was hovering. His Firebolt hovered directly next to Fred's broom at the same height. Harry slowly slid his leg over it and finally was seated on his own broom.

Game continued. Harry finally saw the Snitch and urged his broom forward. They began speeding toward it. Harry did a roll in the air to avoid hitting Flint.

"And Potter sees the Snitch!" Lee Jordan's voice rang out from the commentary box.

Malfoy still hadn't been able to get rid of the 'woman parts' and angrily tailed Harry.

"Whoa! Malfoy still seems to be not himself!" Lee Jordan commented.

That aroused more laughter from the Gryffindors.

"I wonder how on earth he's going to explain that to his father…Ok Professor! I'm sorry! " Lee said.

More laughter rang out.

Harry stretched out his hand. The Snitch was several inches away. He felt his hand close around the Snitch.

"I wonder how Malfoy is going to use the bathroom. Do I go into the boys? Or girls? Or is there a way to go into both?" Lee commented again. 

"JORDAN! STICK TO THE GAME!" Professor McGonagall said, angrily.

The Gryffindors were hysterical laughing.

That only seemed to make the Slytherin's angrier.

"POTTER CAUGHT THE SNITCH! GRYFFINDOR WINS!" Lee bellowed.

Grinning, Harry landed. The rest of the team landed next to him and hugged and congratulated him.

The Slytherin's landed giving the Gryffindor's glares. Ron and Hermione came running.

"Wow…that boy is definitely confused," Lee commented again.

The Slytherin's glared at Jordan and gave him rude gestures.

"Whoo! Who knew they were so sweet," Lee said, mockingly.

Giggles could be heard from the Gryffindor supporters, Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff's.

They all began walking back toward the castle.

Malfoy was still having trouble walking back to the castle without fellow Slytherin's pointing and laughing at his 'new parts'.

"Potter! Takes these off!" Malfoy called angrily, frantically still trying to cover them.

"Can't! The spell lasts for a week!" Harry called joyfully over his shoulder.

"Potter!" Malfoy called angrily, but now it seemed high-pitched with panic. "What am I going to tell my father? He's going to have you for this!"

"Just tell him that you've found yourself!" Hermione called over her shoulder.

The Gryffindors were still chortling with laughter.

They entered the castle leaving Malfoy whining.

Hermione seemed to be able to get over the 'visual' she had in the hospital wing. She still blushed whenever she saw Harry, but she controlled herself from fainting.

Harry finally sat down in a chair without wincing.

"Ah…they've healed?" Ron asked.

"Yeup! Thank God too," Harry said, shivering.

Ron snorted.

"No more practices for that length of time," Harry said, firmly. "I'm going to have to speak to Oliver next time."

"I agree," Ron said.

Harry picked up a textbook and went to read it, but it slid off his lap and onto the floor. Harry got up and bent down to get it. Hermione jumped to her feet and began backing out of the common room.

"I-I've got to go to the…library…yes, that's it," Hermione stammered.

"Are you okay?" Harry asked, straightening up.

"Fine, fine," Hermione replied as she quickly turned around, but ended up banging her head against a lighting fixture.

Harry and Ron cringed.

"I'm okay!" Hermione said, cradling her forehead with her right hand. As she went to go out, the portrait hole opened, smacking her right in the face. She stood frozen for a moment, before she fell backward.

"Whoops," Ginny said as she entered the common room.

Harry rushed forward to help Hermione up with Ginny.

"I think I'm going to lye down," Hermione said, dazedly as Ginny led her into the girl's dorms.

"Did you hear?" Ginny asked eagerly as she came back a few minutes later.

"Hear what?" Ron asked.

"About Malfoy," Ginny said.

Harry and Ron shook their heads.

"He's being transferred to an all girl's school!"

Ron exploded with laughter.

"But, the spell I used only put 'certain' parts on him," Harry said, shocked and confused.

"Yeah, but someone took up the rest," Ginny said grinning. "He now has shoulder length curly blond hair and a total girl's body."

"Look at the bright side," Ron gasped as he still laughed hard. "At least he found his true calling!"


End file.
